If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
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gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
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