If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
#catsoftwitter
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Dance like you’re not the father
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.