@wickedsuga

If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.

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@bombsydoll

What is WRONG with you???

Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything

@charliedelta7

An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face

@UncleDuke1969

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

@Prof_Hinkley

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

@Mothpete

I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.

@dimplesticks

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

@MadGamer79

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

@SortaBad

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

@daemonic3

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

@dubstep4dads

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall