HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.
You Might Also Like
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.