will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
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My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
blocked.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools