If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
marvel comics have peaked
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.