If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
i can’t work under these festive conditions
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
my retirement plan is braless
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day