If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
![]()
You Might Also Like
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?