If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Teamwork makes the dream work.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show