Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Velcrow

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no