if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I love you…
…r dog.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I need to get some bricks…
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.