Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

🤣

Terribly Tuesday.

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

How to woo a woman

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

Think I pulled my liver

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now