If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
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I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.