Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

When your best mate counts as a desk too

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.