If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
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Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now