If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off