If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I ate everything, including the H.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink