I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
You Might Also Like
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
*answers the burrito*
Hello? … I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, you called my burrito instead of my phone idk how but you did.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Maybe EXACTLY what I want is for my pizza to be touched, Dominoes. Maybe it’s been a long damn time since anyone has touched my pizza.
When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals