@JohnHilsen

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

@markydoodoo

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

@Mom_Overboard

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

@MythicPicnic

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

@KentWGraham

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

@thedad

I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”

@broken_rhi

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think my pet rock might be sterile.

@realHamOnWry

*unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”

@MatCro

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

@AbbyHasIssues

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.