@JohnHilsen

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

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@shatterpants

I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”

@TheWeirdWorld

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

@That_Damn_Duck

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

@ItsDanSheehan

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

@yerpalmildsauce

*ring ring*
*answers the burrito*
Hello? … I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, you called my burrito instead of my phone idk how but you did.

@KieranSoFar

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

@mrsauntiepam

Maybe EXACTLY what I want is for my pizza to be touched, Dominoes. Maybe it’s been a long damn time since anyone has touched my pizza.

@torrami

When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.

@aissalanis

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals