Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

*has no idea what a book even is*

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]