Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

This made me chuckle.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]