Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

“just sayin” who asked you though?

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.