Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.