If you start a sentence off with…
“At my last job…”
We all wish you still worked there
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From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Haha good job!!
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.