Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Yup

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.