Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Kentucky names the shit out of places

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

Two types of dogs.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.