If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
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Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.