Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.