Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!