If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
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Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Huge if true.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol