If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
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I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.