If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
good work, everybody
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.