If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
You Might Also Like
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Digital security in Ancient Troy
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !