If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
How is it still this week?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year