If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
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PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports