If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
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Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Sex so good you see dead people.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels