Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

*limbos away from your hug*

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

it was a valiant fight

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.