Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

What’s this sorcery? 😂

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

giddy up Office Depot

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

go easy on yourself <3

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

Revenge served cold

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them