If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
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We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*