if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win