if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
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Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
The most accurate map ever devised.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*