Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.