If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Oh. My. God.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.