If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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Lmao
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.