If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.