If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
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“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.