If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
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the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?