If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’