Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

yeah 😭

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”