If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
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I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.