Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl