If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
You Might Also Like
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly