@Daisyldoo

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

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@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom.

@freudianscript

I’m not here to fix your problems, i’m here to set an example of what happens when your problems don’t get fixed.

@ImABaconDonut

Me: Thanks for the sex.

Me: You’re welcome.

Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.

Me: That’d be nice.

@GingerHotDish

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

@PleaseBeGneiss

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

@KateWhineHall

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

@_CherriAnn_

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

@KeetPotato

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

@BlindChow

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED