If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
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Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.