If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
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You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool