If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry