If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
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If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful