If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Me, in DM rooms…
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids