Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.