If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I like it thick and deep
Pizza