If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Sharon I have some bad news
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
So sorry
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.