Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

.

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink