“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
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gender is a sprctrum
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Frankenstein?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
oh my gosh!!
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
🛁
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*