Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

i’m gonna allow it

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

a New Yorker reject, for you

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”