Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes