Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

🤣😂🤣😂

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…