if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
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recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
We don’t deserve birds.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
The glory of fall.
Happy thanksgiving
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.