if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
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FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
can’t wait til they legalize outside
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot