if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
so this horse walks into a bar
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus