If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
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Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
Just grow your own
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD