If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
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What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
How to walk around a museum
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle