Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

I’d rather go liquor treating.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

Human stupidity exists because, if everyone were smart, we’d have no one to laugh at on the internet.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.