Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.