Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.