Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

I’m calling the cops.

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.