if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Every house has this drawer
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say