If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
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The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
just make the entire table out of coaster
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them