If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
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Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
the answer was staring at me all along
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Feels like the fourth month in January
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
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I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
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