Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

Raisins are grape jerky.

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

😂

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.