Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

When the stylist spins you back around

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Saturday

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E