If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
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Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
my astrological sign is a french fry
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.