If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Real House Wines.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Pat is about to own someone
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs