Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

I bet

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

sugar glider wrangler

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.